I Never Wanted to Be Here

      I don't know. I just don't know. I'll be fine I'm sure, but right now I'm not. I wanted to make a beautiful and elegant post about everything I'm feeling. It would be profound and perfect....but I don't have time to think right now. I just want to write which is weird. I don't like writing publicly until after the fact. Right now I'm lost. I'm so lost, and I just need someone to guide me out of this deep dark place I have found myself in.
      I hate it in here. This place is scary and somewhere I never wanted to be. I was so afraid this would happen and now it finally has. My grandmother.... I don't want to write it out because that would make it true. I want to keep what little denial I have left. But I'm so sad. The kind of sadness that is just all around you, weighing you down. But I'm also mad.
      My anger has coiled up inside me like a deadly viper waiting to strike. I'm so mad at everything. I'm mad at what happened. Why did it have to happen now? I'm so mad that Jordan isn't here. I need him. I shouldn't be mad at him, it's stupid of me and I know it. I just want him here with me. I want to be in his arms more than anything. I'm so fucking upset that I can't have that. Why did you leave me? Why did she have to go now? I wanted you two to meet dammit! Now she won't be at our wedding.....
      I can't have Jordan. The next best thing would be my father. I just want to be daddy's little girl right now and cry in his arms. It would be like that moment in the hospital when I did just that. Except only this time there is no hope. He convinced me she would be okay; now I need him to convince me that I'll be okay. I miss my daddy.